Dish Pan Hands

I really don’t like washing dishes. Come to think of it, I’d rather do pushups and sit-ups in the mud than wash dishes. I’d rather log roll outside in Minnesota in January than do dishes. Washing dishes was never my responsibility growing up. My father called it woman’s work (read a bit more before you email me some flaming pro-feminist message). I had 3 sisters that could share the responsibility of doing dishes. So they rotated who had to do them. Not bad really, each sister only had to do dishes 2.33 times a week (unless one had basketball, track, etc.). Being the only boy in the house, I was endowed with the “man’s work”. That meant I had to bring in the firewood (we always had a wood burning fireplace for heat) and starting the fire. If it was summer, that meant I had to spend the majority of my time cutting up wood with the chainsaw, splitting it with the 10 pound splitting maul (no wood splitter here , so I went through about 3 splitting mauls over the years ), and piling it into ranks to dry. Don’t get me wrong, everyone had to help pile the wood. But once I was old enough (about 12) and my big strong sis Tina went away to college the job was entirely mine

Back to the dishes. I’ve never really liked doing them. I’m kind of a freak about germs. The whole process of hand washing dishes seems so unsanitary to me. (My fraternity was great, we had a sanitizer.) After living with quite a few guys who habitually leave a week worth of dishes in the sink, your hatred of washing dishes grows. So when it came time to renovate my kitchen, I gave a big hell yeah to having a dishwasher. Besides, for as busy as I am, I don’t have time to sit and wash my dishes. I was lucky enough to get an old dishwasher for free. Not terribly old, like “1989” old, but it worked (or so they told me). After not having a kitchen for a few months and washing my dishes every time I took a shower (no joke, nude dish washing) I finally got the dishwasher installed. I got everything hooked up, hooked up the new sink, all the traps, everything… and it didn’t work. I thought it was one part. I ordered it. Waited. Received it. Installed it. It still didn’t work. I jimmy rigged the water valve switch connection with an insulated screw driver (after realizing that grabbing live wires with your bare hands is a bad idea. Ouch). I got it to work. Unfortunately it overflowed all over the floor. So I thought it was another part. I ordered one new part of the two I thought it needed, but got frustrated before it came and went to Best Buy and bought a new dishwasher. The new one was supposed to be here today but wasn’t. So I thought what the heck, I’ll throw in the new part and see what happens. Well, it came with some weird looking float thing that controls the water filling valve. When the water inside gets high enough, it floats, shutting off the water valve. I thought that was kind of interesting. I wonder if that’s what that weird thing in the tray is that I kept throwing around. Of course… it was. I put it on, and the dishwasher works great. Fills properly, doesn’t overflow all over the floor.

70 dollars, a month of washing dishes, soaked tile and a few electrical shocks later, I came to the conclusion I’m an idiot. If stupidity were painful, I’d be laying on the couch right now with a cold pack on my head, having just downed a double dose of stupid pills to qualm my pounding head and overwhelming nausea.

I’m still going to get the new dishwasher. Sure, the one I have works, but it it’s a different color than the rest of my appliances. It’s also loud. I don’t mean coffee grinder loud, more like I_grew_up_to_close_to_the_airport_ and_ have_ irreversible_ hearing_ damage loud. It’s also inefficient. Built in the 80s, its most likely using 4 times more resources than it needs to. My utilities are high enough. Of course, it will also be an excellent reminder of how stupid I can be sometimes. As redneck comedian Bill Engvall would say, here’s your sign. I think I’m going to put one on the front of my dishwasher that says “I’m with stupid.”

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